Robert Mugabe Zimbabwean President:
1. Any man who successfully convinces a monkey that honey is sweeter than banana, is capable of selling condoms to a Roman father.
2. Dear ladies, if your boyfriend didn’t wish you a happy Mother’s Day or sing Sweet Mother for you, you should stop breastfeeding him.
3. He who swallows a complete coconut has absolute trust in his anus.
4. Dear sisters, don’t be deceived by a man who texts you “I miss you” only when it’s raining, because you are not an umbrella.
5. Swimming pool is more useful than Liverpool.
6. If over 15 guys have sucked your breasts, you don’t need to call those things “your breasts”. It’s called COW BELL, OUR MILK! Repeat after me, OUR MILK!
7. It’s hard to bewitch African girls these days. Every time you take a piece from her hair to the witch doctor, either a Brazilian innocent woman gets mad or a factory in China catches fire.
8. All I hear always is, ‘No sex before marriage?’ If that was God’s plan, then you would receive your penis or vagina on your wedding day.
9. The only warning Africans take serious is LOW BATTERY.
10. Men sucking lady’s breast is normal because the act was learnt in childhood when they were young but the act of lady’s sucking men’s d*ck is what baffles me. Where did they learn it from?
11. Whenever things seem to start going well in your life, the Devil comes along and gives you a ‘girlfriend’.
12. When your clothes are made of cassava leaves, you don’t take a goat as a friend.
13. If you have attended over 100 weddings in your life and are still single, you are not different from a canopy.
14. Dating a slim/slender guy is cool. The problem is when you are lying on his chest then his ribs draw Adidas lines on your face.
15. If you are ugly, you are ugly. Stop talking about inner beauty because men don’t walk around with X-rays to see inner beauty.
16. Respect pregnant women because it’s not easy walking around with evidence that you’ve had sex.
17. Some of the girls of today can’t even jog for five minutes but they expect a guy to last in bed with you for two hours? Your level of selfishness demands a one-week crusade.
18. I stopped trusting ladies when my class three girlfriend left me for another boy all because he bought a sharpener with a mirror.
19. Nothing makes a woman more confused than being in a relationship with a “broke” man who’s extremely good in bed.
20. Witchcraft is when a 24-year-old girl who cannot jog for five minutes expects a 40-year-old man to last for one hour in bed.
21. Being dumped by a dark-skinned girl is the worst thing ever, because anytime you get home and see charcoal, you become emotional.
22. Women with beauty and no brains, it is your private parts that will suffer the most.
23. When one’s goat gets missing, the aroma of a neighbour’s soup gets suspicious.
24. It’s better for a man to be stingy with his money because he hustled for it than a woman to deny you a hole she didn’t drill.
25. Even Satan wasn’t gay; he approached naked Eve instead of naked Adam. Say no to same-sex marriage.
26. If you are a married man and you find yourself attracted to schoolgirls, just buy your wife a school uniform.
27. It is every man’s dream to remove a woman’s pant one day but NOT when it’s on a drying line.
28. Virginity is the best wedding gift any man would receive from his newlywed wife but lately, there’s nothing as such any longer because it’ll have already been given out as a Birthday gift, token of Appreciation, Job assurance, Church collection, Examination marking schemes and for Lorry fares!”
29. Treat every part of your towel nicely because the part that wipes your buttocks today will wipe your face tomorrow.
30. We are living in a generation where people “in love” are free to touch each others’ private parts but cannot touch each others’ phones because they’re “private”.
31. Sometimes you look back at girls you spent money on rather than send it to your mum and you realise witchcraft is real.
32. If President Barack Obama wants me to allow marriage for same-sex couples in my country (Zimbabwe), he must come here so that I marry him first
33. South Africans will kick down a statue of a dead white man but won’t even attempt to slap a live one. Yet they can stone to death a black man simply because he’s a foreigner.
34. What is the problem? We now have aeroplanes which can take them back quicker than the ships used by their ancestors.
35. Mr Bush, Mr Blair and now Mr Brown’s sense of human rights precludes our people’s right to their God-given resources, which in their view must be controlled by their kith and kin. I am termed dictator because I have rejected this supremacist view and frustrated the neocolonialists.
36. Cigarette is a pinch of tobacco rolled in a piece of paper with fire on one end and a fool on the other end.
37. A brave man is he who has a running stomach and still wants to flatulate.
38. Journalist: Sir, don’t you think 89 years would be a great time to retire as a President?
Mugabe: Have you ever asked the Queen this question or is it just for African leaders?
39. Interviewer: Mr President, when are you bidding the people of Zimbabwe farewell?
Robert: Where are they going?
40. My dear ladies, please don’t buy a selfie stick when your armpit itself needs a shaving stick.